RIP George

Some George Carlin definitions:

OCTOPUS: an eight-sided vagina

TRAMPOLINE: a sexual lubricant popular with sluts

PARAKEET: a keet that takes care of you until the real keet arrives

Hopping for Joy

Here is a video of a bird like mine having a hoppin’ good time. This is the way they like to cover distance; instead of running they hop like this. The first time I saw my bird Gizmo do this, I couldn’t stop laughing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ur7UqCDaVU

Enjoy!

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY : Where’s my gun?

Zen Sarcasm

I try to be very calm and peaceful in my life. It’s something I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older and wiser.

However, I try not to take anything TOO seriously, so there is always room for humor! Here’s some Zen sarcasm for those Zen Masters having a particularly difficult day.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn , so if you’re going to
steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable.
If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique.
Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you ‘re alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed……skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your
lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Don’t Get a Tattoo When You’re Drunk

Sensitive people, avert your eyes!

No, this is not me or anyone I know…simply an email I received and couldn’t help sharing.

In particular, I thought Manuel might get a kick out of this, since he is into tats (although he likes superhero tats, not cat butts).

Carlinisms

Expressions I Question by George Carlin

Legally drunk. Well, if it’s legal, what’s the problem? “Leave me alone, officer, I’m legally drunk!”

Being Irish, I guess I should resent the Notre Dame nickname, “The Fighting Irish”. After all, how long do you think nicknames like “The Bargaining Jews” or “The Murdering Italians” would last? Only the ironic Irish could be so naively honest.

And speaking of Vaseline…

Yesterday’s post was about Vaseline.

So is today’s post:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, ‘I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?’

She says, ‘Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.’

‘And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?’

‘We use it for sex.’

The researcher was a little taken back. ‘Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how
you use it for sex?’

The woman says, ‘I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.’

Dental Hy-jinks

My dentist Dr.G is very skilled. Due to a connective tissue disease and past jaw surgery, I can’t open my mouth as wide as “normal” people, so it takes a particularly skillful and experienced dentist to do the work correctly in the back of my mouth. Also, Dr.G doesn’t believe in mercury amalgam fillings because when he disposes of them, he legally needs to note them as “toxic waste” – he and I both believe that doesn’t belong in anyone’s mouth.

Another thing about Dr. G is his sense of humor. He told this little story that made me crack up, even though I had just had three numbing shots (I have an extra nerve on the left top gum area) and would rather have been somewhere else. He was nice enough to remove the drill before telling the story…

At one point, he had a dental assistant (the one who hands him the tools as he’s working) named Amy. I guess she was rather quiet, which with Dr. G is an invitation for teasing.

They were working on a patient and the patient asked for Vaseline to put in the corners of his mouth – it helps keep the lips from cracking I think. Anyway Amy plunged a cotton swab into the jar and came out with a big blob of Vaseline.

As she handed the blob to the patient, Dr. G remarked “Amy, that’s enough for a whole honeymoon.”

Amy blushed bright red.

Gloves are Better

photo by steeleman2004

My neighbor Bill likes to take his black Labrador Retriever Bear for a walk around the neighborhood every night.

On a particularly chilly evening a few months ago, we drove on the street past him while he was walking Bear. Being the good citizen that he is, Bill always cleans up after Bear by scooping up the poop in an inside-out plastic grocery bag, then turning in rightside-out before throwing it away. On this occasion, Bill had in his hand a plastic bag containing the dog poop that Bear had previously deposited on the ground. We stopped the car to say hello and teased him about the contents of the bag he was holding.

“How can you stand picking that up and holding it in your hands?” I asked. I’ve never had a dog and poop pickup is one reason why.

“Well, it makes a great handwarmer” said neighbor Bill.

**photo by reusablebags ********photos of Cinder by Steeleman2004********

Do You Work Here?

Many times I find myself browsing through a store and people stop me and either ask me where something is located in the store, or if I work at the store. For the longest time I could not figure out why this was so – was I projecting a “Can I help you?” vibe, or some sort of welcoming aura?

The mystery was solved today. I was at Borders checking out some titles, and a lady asked me “do you work here?” I answered no but that I practically lived at the store so maybe I could help her anyway. Turns out I couldn’t as she was looking for a special book. Before she walked away she said “since you weren’t carrying a purse, I thought you worked here.” Voila!! That made perfect sense. I do, in fact, refuse to carry a purse, preferring instead to tuck a checkbook and credit card in my jeans pocket – I enjoy the “hands free” convenience and the absence of so much weight hanging off my shoulders keeps me from requiring more frequent chiropractic nudges. And I don’t have to dig for stuff I need…I used to hate that, rummaging around in a stupid handbag which had accumulated so much crap I didn’t need.

So happily I walk through life helping those in retail need and enjoying the use of both hands when a tactile check of merchandise is needed.