Tag Archives: Humor

RIP George

Some George Carlin definitions:

OCTOPUS: an eight-sided vagina

TRAMPOLINE: a sexual lubricant popular with sluts

PARAKEET: a keet that takes care of you until the real keet arrives

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY : Where’s my gun?

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Filed under Humor, Politics

Zen Sarcasm

I try to be very calm and peaceful in my life. It’s something I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older and wiser.

However, I try not to take anything TOO seriously, so there is always room for humor! Here’s some Zen sarcasm for those Zen Masters having a particularly difficult day.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn , so if you’re going to
steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable.
If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique.
Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you ‘re alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed……skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your
lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

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Filed under Humor, Spirituality