Los Angeles Driver’s Manual

HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L A.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange Counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebrities, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill; also the coyotes feeding on any of the aforementioned items.

9. MapQuest does not work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

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4 Comments

Filed under Humor

4 responses to “Los Angeles Driver’s Manual

  1. Sounds like Sydney….
    Glad to see that broken funny bone you had has healed 🙂

    I have a couple of owls that have moved into a tree at the back corner of my place about 12 feet above where I feed Krusty…. I’ll send you a couple of pics when I upload them…..its very exciting!!

  2. These are all soooo true… especially #2. Actually I haven’t found anytime when there’s not traffic!

  3. I especially like #11. Don’t own a gun however. Will one of those dart guns with the suction cups on the end do. I can just see some oblivious nimrod with a bunch of them stuck to the back of his car, obviously put there by may different drivers.
    As for #2 I’m with Sharon anyone who says rush hour is over @ 7PM needs to get out more.

  4. Rush hour does not refer to the speed of your car, but rather the adrenaline rush of your particular drug of choice, mine being massive quantities of caffeine. #2

    As for the speed matching the Freeway number, I object, since I travel mostly on the I-5! And getting on the 405 without NASA also seems unwise! #3

    Addendum to #4: Harley’s with the Meanest, Ugliest & Baddest Biker go first, and get your car, wallet, house keys, and your wife and/or daughter if he wants ~ and you say thanks if he lets you walk away, and everyone else will have already gone number two watching the biker! And that cell phone talkin’ Mamma better hope she doesn’t run into that biker in Malibu…

    In Orange County, we put up double fine zone signs in our construction zones. We call these our Profit Zones, it’s how we are making up for the bankruptcy. Your tax dollars at work folks, screwing you, again! #7

    Forget #8, if you’re slowing down to watch for road hazzards, you are one! And has MapQuest (#9) ever worked, anywhere?

    One question, why are we warning people that they will be shot? Is it not our goal to clear the freeways?
    Food for thought folks…

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